psychosis

My Vacation…

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A coach tour around 3 countries in Europe – Italy Switzerland and France.  My OCD gave me hell but I managed it, I won’t be doing it again but it was worth it for a few reasons.

  1. The organisational skills – getting up straight away when I hear that alarm.  We were up at 7 every day, this is not something my body let alone my OCD is used to.  I found that it was beneficial after the first couple days, the tiredness subsided and I was able to say FU OCD.  It taught me that I have to schedule in ME TIMES, in order to relax and shower.  Ready for the following morning.
  2. Social anxiety is off the chart – constant checking of conversations and the way people behave towards me.  More paranoia than social anxiety, conversations about me ETC, perhaps that is why I’m psychotic.  This element was exhausting.
  3. There is peace in some of the things I saw.  Mainly the amazing scenes of Switzerland and museum du Louvre in Paris.
  4. I’m a nice guy.  I was always nice towards people and even though I probably appeared odd, as we do, caught up in rumination, I still realize that I am calm on the outside.
  5. Honesty – I was honest about my illness to a few people that I met.  I could tell straight away that they knew I was being genuine.
  6. I want to do more travelling.  Even if its on my own I want to go back to Switzerland but also head west.  If I stay in hostels I can choose to speak to people.  Even though I did the coach tour, it was not suitable for people with mental illness.  Some points mainly due to my first point ‘organisation’ it caused so much unbearable anxiety.
  7. That brings me to anxiety.  The wrath of unreason.  The chains on the brain.  I simply meditated as a necessity.  If I didn’t know how to meditate, I would have certainly failed and cut my trip short.  The trip forced me to meditate so I am now In a good position to keep up my practice.

So, although I realise I should not have done a coach tour, I acknowledge that it has pushed me closer to where I need to be headed- learning to take that time to relax for one even if it takes forever, and work on the things I mentioned.  I will re edit this as it is very brief right now, just needed to get it started down on paper.

Peace guys!

 

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Mindfulness for me

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‘Immersion’ is what I use to gauge my wellness, because I recognise that when I am well immersion is light and easy, but when the mental illness is strong, immersion can be ‘blocky’ and difficult. Its at about 70% now as I am able to type this.  Which is pretty damn good. If I make the time to meditate diligently, it helps too.  The floating anxiety, which alot of ppl get, is magnified, and is why I must meditate every day. Eventually immersion is easier, and the storm clears a little.

Mindfulness and OCD is extremely difficult, as before we have to intentionally bring the obsession to mind, whether it be a mini obsession or an intense violent thought.  When we choose to bring it to mind we are telling the OCD something important. We are in control… response prevention; My compulsion was partly a mental argument, so catching the argument in the act and choosing to think of the obsession without responding used to work.  The violent thoughts are demoralising and exhausting, you may have a different one that’s scary too. But with practice we desensitize the obsession, and delegitamize the compulsion.

Whilst we remember returning to the natural breath is therapy, over, and over breathing into it, over and over again.  Breathing into the thought stream and sitting with the sometimes debilitating emotions.  (such as guilt, shame, depression, anxiety)