mental illness

It’s F*cking Fading…

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My OCD is almost completely gone.  I have a horrible place where its gone though.  It’s like I’m really slow and heavy.  It’s where the rumination used to be!

Gotta watch out for depression and addiction!

My psychosis is always going to be tricky.  I beat that too though.

I can fucking work now.  Trust.  I am not working till Feb next year though cos I’m on a DRO.  I deserve the benefits I’m on.  I’ve been through the wars.

I know I’m doing my Mum proud now.  I wasn’t so sure before but now she’s visited me in my dreams.

This time I got it.  I’ve been here once before but fell off mainly due to the depression and addictions.  My OCD is going.  I’ll be damned if I fall for the depression and addiction.  I’m gonna feel on top of the world and nothing can stop me this time…


I don’t have inhibitions, I’m just a bit crazy

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” I don’t have inhibitions, I’m just a bit crazy ” Is what i said to my friend in the club.  They noticed I was tense.  I don’t remember which obsession it was taking hold, but i was pretty caught up in it.

Not only do we have to let go of in inhibitions, we have to let go of intrusive thoughts.  If you’ve ever read about OCD there are a wide array of thoughts, they all have one outcome.  Total destruction and destraction.  Sometimes we can’t let go.  It won’t let us.

On top of the OCD i have a psychosis which at best makes me feel detached from reality.  I wasn’t sure it was a psychosis until it happened again after not having it for a while;  It’s a horrible feeling.  One of imprisonment and isolation.  I don’t get it all the time now thanks to the meds.

Anyway onwards and keep on fighting!  I’m sure you’ll relate.


So, what now?

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So the more I let go of intrusive thoughts the easier everything is, from little things to big things.  Depression is also entangled. Feelings of worthlessness. Fight in the morning, it is key.  ‘Letting go’; easier said than done, I know.  Sometimes it’s actually impossible.  That’s why I have a mental illness.







Secret Intrusive Thoughts

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Do I want to stab myself in the neck?  Have I the capability?

How is there something rather than nothing at all?

How did I appear to that friend of mine, was I weird was I really odd?

How did I appear to that family member? Did I say everything I should have said?

Do I need to stab myself in the neck?  Is it just an intrusive thought?

How on earth am I suppose to clean up this flat with all these thoughts and depression on top?

I feel worthless, yes I am worthless.


These are intrusive thoughts because they cause significant amounts of anxiety and interrupt whatever we may be doing.  I have worked through most of them and basically you just have to really GET their nature.  They are intrusive thoughts, not normal thoughts.  They are also an excuse for the brain to run schemes on you and plot against your existence and wellbeing… well that’s more the depression that comes with it.  They are thoughts that get stuck whilst the normal person can reject them as tom foolery.


My Vacation…

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A coach tour around 3 countries in Europe – Italy Switzerland and France.  My OCD gave me hell but I managed it, I won’t be doing it again but it was worth it for a few reasons.

  1. The organisational skills – getting up straight away when I hear that alarm.  We were up at 7 every day, this is not something my body let alone my OCD is used to.  I found that it was beneficial after the first couple days, the tiredness subsided and I was able to say FU OCD.  It taught me that I have to schedule in ME TIMES, in order to relax and shower.  Ready for the following morning.
  2. Social anxiety is off the chart – constant checking of conversations and the way people behave towards me.  More paranoia than social anxiety, conversations about me ETC, perhaps that is why I’m psychotic.  This element was exhausting.
  3. There is peace in some of the things I saw.  Mainly the amazing scenes of Switzerland and museum du Louvre in Paris.
  4. I’m a nice guy.  I was always nice towards people and even though I probably appeared odd, as we do, caught up in rumination, I still realize that I am calm on the outside.
  5. Honesty – I was honest about my illness to a few people that I met.  I could tell straight away that they knew I was being genuine.
  6. I want to do more travelling.  Even if its on my own I want to go back to Switzerland but also head west.  If I stay in hostels I can choose to speak to people.  Even though I did the coach tour, it was not suitable for people with mental illness.  Some points mainly due to my first point ‘organisation’ it caused so much unbearable anxiety.
  7. That brings me to anxiety.  The wrath of unreason.  The chains on the brain.  I simply meditated as a necessity.  If I didn’t know how to meditate, I would have certainly failed and cut my trip short.  The trip forced me to meditate so I am now In a good position to keep up my practice.

So, although I realise I should not have done a coach tour, I acknowledge that it has pushed me closer to where I need to be headed- learning to take that time to relax for one even if it takes forever, and work on the things I mentioned.  I will re edit this as it is very brief right now, just needed to get it started down on paper.

Peace guys!


A heartened self review

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My own success is where I’ll find peace.  Not in the bullshit of others.  I will always understand my illness.  And keep fighting…


Straight away i get rid of a few posts, they were not very productive.  But this process, nice one.
I had my ear syringed today.  It seems to have only worked on one side, lol.
But hey, as long as i can hear at least a little.  My OCD is not allowed a say in the matter.

My thoughts aren’t causing me much anxiety any more, but i am finding, as the recent posts suggested, I am finding motivation difficult and am inflicted, with depression.  The black dog I pretend isn’t there, but it is the reason I haven’t been getting up early to go to the gym.  Also the reason is rushing doubts, i stay in bed until they feel OK.  That’s OCD.  Its’ very clear that my compulsion used to be mental.  Its remains are cruel.

The psychosis doesn’t feel so bad anymore, or at least i can overpower it with a bit of work.  The meds do help me here.  So i am mainly left with these ‘remains’.

Gambling – a have not engaged the strategies for a very long time now, and have already rewarded myself with a trip around Europe in a months time.  (great to work towards, and I am in therapy).

Reading and writing help.  And may I always remember this.  Am reading a few books at the moment, ‘A Briefer History of Time’ is still pretty deep to understand compared with the first edition, but if i am well it is a lot easier.  Then, this means reading is a good measure of whether i am in a good state of mind.  Just took out ‘Happy’ by Derren Brown, as I plan to bone up on philosophy.  Just read ‘Smoking Is Cool’ by Andrew Moody.  An addictive and compelling read,  again I recognise that when i am not so well, its harder to absorb and understand.

I am 31 now, I plan to work out a lot to reverse the physical ageing process.  I should have a perfect body at this age, the one i have is a bit old and lazy.  I have a good routine at the gym and partake in Tai Chi.  All i have to do is increase the frequency of this. A lot.

So, increasing meditation alongside reading, writing, exercise, and just keeping track of all of it.  They should flow with experience, I needn’t write all this when i see results.  I will see and feel results within a month.

mindfulness… yessss remember.  I remember.  Will read my previous post and then skim through my books before embarking upon a diligent meditation routine.




Mindfulness for me

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‘Immersion’ is what I use to gauge my wellness, because I recognise that when I am well immersion is light and easy, but when the mental illness is strong, immersion can be ‘blocky’ and difficult. Its at about 70% now as I am able to type this.  Which is pretty damn good. If I make the time to meditate diligently, it helps too.  The floating anxiety, which alot of ppl get, is magnified, and is why I must meditate every day. Eventually immersion is easier, and the storm clears a little.

Mindfulness and OCD is extremely difficult, as before we have to intentionally bring the obsession to mind, whether it be a mini obsession or an intense violent thought.  When we choose to bring it to mind we are telling the OCD something important. We are in control… response prevention; My compulsion was partly a mental argument, so catching the argument in the act and choosing to think of the obsession without responding used to work.  The violent thoughts are demoralising and exhausting, you may have a different one that’s scary too. But with practice we desensitize the obsession, and delegitamize the compulsion.

Whilst we remember returning to the natural breath is therapy, over, and over breathing into it, over and over again.  Breathing into the thought stream and sitting with the sometimes debilitating emotions.  (such as guilt, shame, depression, anxiety)