I’m not a writer. I suffer from a psychotic and obsessive compulsive disorder.
I can present well superficially and attempt to mask my symptoms so that i will feel accepted.
Being used to struggle to contain the symptoms such as severe anxiety, it would result in me having to leave jobs and not complete courses.
After using alcohol and gambling to self medicate my entire adult life,
I now present to you my recovery.
A coach tour around 3 countries in Europe – Italy Switzerland and France. My OCD gave me hell but I managed it, I won’t be doing it again but it was worth it for a few reasons.
- The organisational skills – getting up straight away when I hear that alarm. We were up at 7 every day, this is not something my body let alone my OCD is used to. I found that it was beneficial after the first couple days, the tiredness subsided and I was able to say FU OCD. It taught me that I have to schedule in ME TIMES, in order to relax and shower. Ready for the following morning.
- Social anxiety is off the chart – constant checking of conversations and the way people behave towards me. More paranoia than social anxiety, conversations about me ETC, perhaps that is why I’m psychotic. This element was exhausting.
- There is peace in some of the things I saw. Mainly the amazing scenes of Switzerland and museum du Louvre in Paris.
- I’m a nice guy. I was always nice towards people and even though I probably appeared odd, as we do, caught up in rumination, I still realize that I am calm on the outside.
- Honesty – I was honest about my illness to a few people that I met. I could tell straight away that they knew I was being genuine.
- I want to do more travelling. Even if its on my own I want to go back to Switzerland but also head west. If I stay in hostels I can choose to speak to people. Even though I did the coach tour, it was not suitable for people with mental illness. Some points mainly due to my first point ‘organisation’ it caused so much unbearable anxiety.
- That brings me to anxiety. The wrath of unreason. The chains on the brain. I simply meditated as a necessity. If I didn’t know how to meditate, I would have certainly failed and cut my trip short. The trip forced me to meditate so I am now In a good position to keep up my practice.
So, although I realise I should not have done a coach tour, I acknowledge that it has pushed me closer to where I need to be headed- learning to take that time to relax for one even if it takes forever, and work on the things I mentioned. I will re edit this as it is very brief right now, just needed to get it started down on paper.