Mindfulness for me

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‘Immersion’ is what I use to gauge my wellness, because I recognise that when I am well immersion is light and easy, but when the mental illness is strong, immersion can be ‘blocky’ and difficult. Its at about 70% now as I am able to type this.  Which is pretty damn good. If I make the time to meditate diligently, it helps too.  The floating anxiety, which alot of ppl get, is magnified, and is why I must meditate every day. Eventually immersion is easier, and the storm clears a little.

Mindfulness and OCD is extremely difficult, as before we have to intentionally bring the obsession to mind, whether it be a mini obsession or an intense violent thought.  When we choose to bring it to mind we are telling the OCD something important. We are in control… response prevention; My compulsion was partly a mental argument, so catching the argument in the act and choosing to think of the obsession without responding used to work.  The violent thoughts are demoralising and exhausting, you may have a different one that’s scary too. But with practice we desensitize the obsession, and delegitamize the compulsion.

Whilst we remember returning to the natural breath is therapy, over, and over breathing into it, over and over again.  Breathing into the thought stream and sitting with the sometimes debilitating emotions.  (such as guilt, shame, depression, anxiety)

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Medication. A myth?

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In many types of mental illness, taking medication is a much better option than doing nothing.  It seems to be protocol for people to have huge doubts though regarding medication and its effectiveness.  But how true is that assumption?  True to a certain extent.  Its known that antidepressants are massively over-prescribed.  But how can a GP tell the situation?  They can’t, really, they do not have the experience or the qualification.  They may see something wrong, or miss something.  I was miss-diagnosed by a GP.  The OCD wasn’t GAD or depression.  This caused a lot of wasted time going to counsellors.  (talking can make OCD worse, initially).

The answer is, that if you are seriously debilitated, incapacitated or anxious beyond belief, you have to go and see a consultant psychiatrist if you are overly concerned that you an illness.  But if you have anxiety or depression on their own, I would probably say try other options first – join the gym, try a new hobby.  There may not be the need to prescribe yourself onto antidepressants.  Because they do suck the energy from you.  Naturally get your chemicals flowing and you’ll do well my friend.

My life was great since being on a particular type of anti depressant that has been shown to be effective with OCD.

My life is even greater since being on antipsychotics.  Why? because it does treat it.  I wasn’t miss-diagnosed, I was over-looked.  OCD is secondary like in many psychotic patients.  I may be schizoaffective, one psychiatrist said, but whether i am or not as long as i’m making progress it’s fine; I’m on the highest dose… which is great.

I’ll come off one day and on that day i will let you know if it was all worth it, the meds.  I currently have no doubts of their effectiveness…  The side effects are worth it!

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The Priory Hospital

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Have u ever thought a violent thought? I explained what it is like to have OCD, when all you can think about is are you capable to harm someone.  I explained also that its not very likely any OCD patient has ever acted on their thoughts.  Due to the nature of my violent thoughts, mostly to do with what I could do with a knife, I was under high risk watch for a time.  I was quick to realise that I was not like other addicts or patients.  It was OCD that was prominent.  However they helped me a lot.

How is there something and not only nothing?

This is not a statement of philosophy.  In this case, this is not a statement of science.  It is psychotic.  It does not make sense.  In this sense,  in the way it generates the psychotic feelings… I am something therefore how can I deny that.

My time here in Brighton involved strict detox, relaxation sessions, CBT, addiction sessions, new friends, and great food.  Strict time management too and taking medication, and reviewing medication.  I was only there a short time but it was like a strict and extremely thoughtful holiday.

They then had me a bed back in Bromley, which was like going from the Ritz to the streets.  No support, no sessions severe boredom somewhat unhealthy interactions, with other patients.  How on earth we are treating our mentally ill i don’t know; it must be severely under funded in the NHS.  There needs to be much more civilized ways of dealing with our mentally ill!  Nevertheless i stayed in hospital still for some time and i needed to be there.