Month: August 2017
You were strong and worked hard for the family.
I know you had your own battle with depression, I wish you were around now so that I could relate.
Physically and emotionally you worked hard right from becoming a teacher in later life as well as supporting us through the mayhem in the family day and night.
When I found you that day in hospital, with the curtains closed you shouting out like you couldn’t bare it… it was the steroids they had to give you. I tried to calm you down but it was scary, you were someone else. The following weeks you were somewhere else the steroids really messed with your head, and your depression got out of hand too. I am pleased I was there still.
I’m am pleased I got to sit with you in your final days, I know we didn’t talk much, but you know I was there. When the tumour got really bad I know you got us to stop arguing by not eating. Even in your final days, you wanted the best for us.
I wish you was here, we have do much to catch up on. We can’t meet now, but I’ll do my best for the family. Dad tries really hard, like you said to me in hospital, you knew he loved you now.
I won’t tag this because it’s just meant to go out there, into space, if anyone reads then that’s good for them. Got your picture up on the mantle piece.
” I don’t have inhibitions, I’m just a bit crazy ” Is what i said to my friend in the club. They noticed I was tense. I don’t remember which obsession it was taking hold, but i was pretty caught up in it.
Not only do we have to let go of in inhibitions, we have to let go of intrusive thoughts. If you’ve ever read about OCD there are a wide array of thoughts, they all have one outcome. Total destruction and destraction. Sometimes we can’t let go. It won’t let us.
On top of the OCD i have a psychosis which at best makes me feel detached from reality. I wasn’t sure it was a psychosis until it happened again after not having it for a while; It’s a horrible feeling. One of imprisonment and isolation. I don’t get it all the time now thanks to the meds.
Anyway onwards and keep on fighting! I’m sure you’ll relate.
So the more I let go of intrusive thoughts the easier everything is, from little things to big things. Depression is also entangled. Feelings of worthlessness. Fight in the morning, it is key. ‘Letting go’; easier said than done, I know. Sometimes it’s actually impossible. That’s why I have a mental illness.
Do I want to stab myself in the neck? Have I the capability?
How is there something rather than nothing at all?
How did I appear to that friend of mine, was I weird was I really odd?
How did I appear to that family member? Did I say everything I should have said?
Do I need to stab myself in the neck? Is it just an intrusive thought?
How on earth am I suppose to clean up this flat with all these thoughts and depression on top?
I feel worthless, yes I am worthless.
These are intrusive thoughts because they cause significant amounts of anxiety and interrupt whatever we may be doing. I have worked through most of them and basically you just have to really GET their nature. They are intrusive thoughts, not normal thoughts. They are also an excuse for the brain to run schemes on you and plot against your existence and wellbeing… well that’s more the depression that comes with it. They are thoughts that get stuck whilst the normal person can reject them as tom foolery.