Month: May 2017

A heartened self review

Posted on Updated on

My own success is where I’ll find peace.  Not in the bullshit of others.  I will always understand my illness.  And keep fighting…

 

Straight away i get rid of a few posts, they were not very productive.  But this process, nice one.
I had my ear syringed today.  It seems to have only worked on one side, lol.
But hey, as long as i can hear at least a little.  My OCD is not allowed a say in the matter.

My thoughts aren’t causing me much anxiety any more, but i am finding, as the recent posts suggested, I am finding motivation difficult and am inflicted, with depression.  The black dog I pretend isn’t there, but it is the reason I haven’t been getting up early to go to the gym.  Also the reason is rushing doubts, i stay in bed until they feel OK.  That’s OCD.  Its’ very clear that my compulsion used to be mental.  Its remains are cruel.

The psychosis doesn’t feel so bad anymore, or at least i can overpower it with a bit of work.  The meds do help me here.  So i am mainly left with these ‘remains’.

Gambling – a have not engaged the strategies for a very long time now, and have already rewarded myself with a trip around Europe in a months time.  (great to work towards, and I am in therapy).

Reading and writing help.  And may I always remember this.  Am reading a few books at the moment, ‘A Briefer History of Time’ is still pretty deep to understand compared with the first edition, but if i am well it is a lot easier.  Then, this means reading is a good measure of whether i am in a good state of mind.  Just took out ‘Happy’ by Derren Brown, as I plan to bone up on philosophy.  Just read ‘Smoking Is Cool’ by Andrew Moody.  An addictive and compelling read,  again I recognise that when i am not so well, its harder to absorb and understand.

I am 31 now, I plan to work out a lot to reverse the physical ageing process.  I should have a perfect body at this age, the one i have is a bit old and lazy.  I have a good routine at the gym and partake in Tai Chi.  All i have to do is increase the frequency of this. A lot.

So, increasing meditation alongside reading, writing, exercise, and just keeping track of all of it.  They should flow with experience, I needn’t write all this when i see results.  I will see and feel results within a month.

mindfulness… yessss remember.  I remember.  Will read my previous post and then skim through my books before embarking upon a diligent meditation routine.